like.. I’m never going to get married. never going to have kids. going to die alone. probably commit suicide by 21 because my life is fucking meaningless. I’m like unlikable. Like.. girls like me for like a little time, then they go, and then I get stuck on them. they just ditch me for some asshole guy, and I’m still here like “I’ll still do the world for you, if you’d ever want me back, but i know its not gonna happen.” like, it makes me feel like shit and depressed and its 2 am and im sad so im going to go to sleep and ignore my feelings.

A year ago, today, my dog died. His name was “Tengoro”. It was short for “tengo oro”, which means “I have gold” in Spanish. We had him for 6 years, since june 26th, 2006. I was 10. We first found out about him from my father. He was a sanitation worker. He was driving past North Shore Animal Shelter, and they took him out of the van, he was a stray dog for a while. He didn’t have a tag or anything. So the people who worked there told him we could have him if no one claimed him within two weeks. Two weeks later, we got him. They named him “Tony”. He was golden with brown and black stripes, so we named him Tengoro, he was our own little piece of gold. I was the person who was with him the most. I remember listening to the radio when I was young, around 11 and walking him around my father’s neighborhood. We used to go on runs. I used to walk you for hours. I used to make you pull me on my scooter while you ran. Then, I got older. I became uninterested in Tengoro. A few years later, he was ignored. He was taken for granted. He became old and grey. I’m sorry Tengoro. I wish I could take it back. You were one of a kind. You were golden, with black and brown stripes. You had a purple tongue. A fucking purple tongue. I stole your old tag from my father so I could put it on a necklace. I’ll wear it all the time. 

Last year. 365 days ago. 12 months ago. 52 weeks ago. You’ve been dead since then. Around 9:30 PM. You got hit by a car after trying to chase a squirrel. My dad called you when you were in the middle of the street. you stopped in the middle of the street. then a car just hit you. you flew 20 feet away. you hopped to my father, and just collapsed. You died 7 minutes later, in the driveway. I wasn’t there. My father told me that story. I was with my mother at her house. I was supposed to be there for that weekend, though. I canceled because I think I had to go to a party or some bullshit. I regret it so much.

I cried like a bitch today. fuck. I said hello to you and talked to you for like 30 minutes like 2 hours ago. I cried so much. I couldn’t even smoke my cigarette. I’m fucking bawling right now typing this. Tengoro, I love you. I’m sorry you’re gone. I would do anything to see you again. You were my best friend. You died at 5. it was too soon. I’m going to stop typing. I can’t.. I can’t write anymore. Maybe I’ll see you again, whether you be reincarnated or when I die. I love you.

Anonymous asked: that girl you like, if she won't even give you a kiss, why are you getting an extremely good gift? If I were you, I would stop trying and stop talking to her, she doesn't deserve anything if she doesn't act like a friend toward you and you still like her.

Because.. I cant not give her the present. If I give her the present, maybe she might like me, maybe she wont. Maybe I’ll get a thank-you kiss. maybe I wont. I don’t care. I want her happy. I.. I love her.

(Source: catastrophys, via lookingforafucktogive)

I wish you were here. SO I got your present in the mail like last Tuesday, and I just know you’re going to love it. You’re going to like explode. It’s Godly. You don’t know how hard it was to get it.

I would do anything for you. Anything in the world. You’re the only person I care about. You, only you. Anything you want me to do. I would protect you with my life. I would fight for you. I would.. just anything. 

I wish I could have seen you more. I go in 9 days. I’m sad about that. Then I go back to shitty ass Arizona. We’ve only hung out 2 times. Fucking bullshit.

Fuck I missed you when I was in Arizona. When I saw you on May 30th, I hugged you, and tears were in my eyes. I missed you so much. You can’t compare it with anything else. I wish I could go back in time. It was so long ago. I used to see you everyday in 4th period, freshmen year. Then we used to go walk to lunch and hang out. I miss it. ugh. okay so I should be waking up in a few hours so I’m going to stop typing.